Today was the first day that I was truly able to breathe without crying. Your absence no longer makes me blue. Though...it still feels weird. I’m getting used to the silence, it no longer makes me afraid. When I wake I don’t hear your light snore, or feel your fingertips along my back, or smell your morning breath.
It’s much easier to get out of bed and look into the mirror. Today, though I couldn’t see your reflection, it was a lot better than seeing my tear-stained eyes. They’ve cried many for many nights hoping that it will somehow mend my broken heart. I’m glad that its almost done healing now.
Since I’m in the process of moving on, I had to get rid of somethings. I looked around my bedroom and saw some of the things you left behind. An old watch that probably doesn’t work anymore, a few ties, and a pair of shoes. There are some shirts hanging in the closet and a few pair of socks in the drawers. Things that I wouldn’t let go of because I was praying that you’d finally come back. I’ve begged even, but I can’t anymore. I won’t allow myself.
I found a cardboard box in the garage to pile the stuff in. As I was walking back down the hallway I looked at the pictures that aligned the walls. Many of them are of you and I, memories that are lost, yet irreplaceable. As I grabbed a few of them to place in the box, something stopped me. I didn’t want to forget you, only move on from the hurt and pain. Its much easier said than done, you’ve been gone almost three months and this is the first time I can look at these pictures and not cry. But God has told me time and time again that I will be okay if I move forward with my life. I decided to finally listen to Him today.
I left the pictures on the wall and walked back into the bedroom. I placed the items in the box and moved along to the bathroom. I know that I can’t use your razors and I hate the smell of your aftershave. That goes in the box, along with your toothbrush. ( I can’t believe I’ve kept it this long.) Most of your other belongings are long gone. It was just a matter of time before the others followed. It was silly of me to hold on to those pieces of you thinking that they would bring you back. And the tears, they can’t bring you back either. My new tears forming now, aren’t out of sadness. I am proud that I can say that truthfully now.
As I walk outside to place the box on the curb, the sunlight warmed my face. It felt like a greeting from God saying "Welcome back!" I’m not sure why today chose to be different from these last 90, I guess 91 was my cut-off. But just because I’m moving on doesn’t mean I won’t miss you or ever think of you again. I will always miss you, but I will love you even more.
Rest in Peace, My Love
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